The shooting near the campus of the University of California, Santa Barbara, on May 23 touched a nerve in everyone, but this sensor we all have for misogyny seems to be less sensitive today than it has been in the past.
The gunman, who shot himself dead after killing people on his path that night, posted a video on YouTube expressing grievances against women who had, for unstated reasons, decided not to have sex with him, leaving him still a virgin at 22. “If I can’t have you, girls, I will destroy you,” he said on the video. The sequence of events has set off a firestorm on social media about how society perceives women sexually and about the violence members of our society lash out against them.
“I’ve spent 19 yrs teaching my daughter how not to be raped,” the Washington Post quoted one mother as tweeting. “How long have you spent teaching your son not to rape? #YesAllWomen.” The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 18.3 percent of all women have experienced rape sometime in their lives.
Using the #YesAllWomen hashtag, this firestorm is blooming, and we need to take note. Even the Southern Poverty Law Center has flagged some of the racist and misogynistic rants from the young killer many people have described as a “hater.” He was the son of a Hollywood director, he drove a BMW, and he never had to work a summer job, the Washington Post printed, statements that suggest a general feeling of entitlement but are used here to support his specific sense of entitlement to women’s bodies for his own sexual pleasure.
But it’s about more than sex, of course. Sex, or the lack thereof, leads only one man out of millions to kill. No, this is about money, hatred, and lots of evil things in our world today. The killer was a frequent poster on PuaHate.com, an online forum that was taken down after the killer’s posts (cached copies are still available and are being scrutinized). The forum is known for its misogyny. “Pua” stands for pickup artist, and the site is supposedly dedicated to exposing deceptive “pickup artists,” dating gurus and so-called seduction experts who take money from men without getting them dates or sex.
Although it’s true that some women (and men) view dating as a “game,” most don’t. Most people are sincere in seeking real, loving relationships. But even if several women were “pickup artists,” nobody is entitled to a woman’s body, ever.
Sexual entitlement doesn’t only show up in shooting rampages, either. It shows up in the workplace or school in the form of bullying or sexual harassment, in intimate relationships when one partner coerces the other into sex (marital rape became a crime in all 50 states only in 1993), and even with complete strangers, as men touch random women in public places or expect women to feel flattered by compliments as pointless (and degrading) as “nice ass.”
Most men just relax when they get rejected, but men who feel entitled to sex get their egos wounded by rejection. Someone has denied them a right they think they have, and they have to react. Sex, as with almost everything else in life, doesn’t always deliver what people want. It tends to be overrated.
As a result, many men enjoy just being friends with women and, in so doing, find out that women are just as afraid of rejection as they are. This is a conversation that needs to happen, and it needs to bring action that will let the next killer who wrote a 140-page manifesto against women know that (a) 22 is not old and (b) there’s beauty to appreciate that has nothing to do with sex.
Can we change this attitude? Some people think we can.
In addition to a relationship partner who is compatible in every important way, according to one female blogger who has spent considerable time talking to men, men want:
- Honest communication
- A manipulation-free relationship
- Growth, personal responsibility, and ownership
- Fidelity and a commitment to the relationship
- More acknowledgment they are worthy of love and appreciated
Take all advice with a grain of salt, but in a good world, one without misogyny, it seems these are universal truths. They also sound like the same things women want in a relationship.